March Confidential

March Confidential

Which media mogul is really in the dog house? That would be the man who built a kennel for his dog which is about the size of a Shetland pony. It was raining so the DIY fan (not) decided to put it all together in the garden shed. Yep. You’ve guessed it. The dog house was too big to get out through the door. The animal now sleeps in the kennel inside the shed and hates it.

Who is the ‘senior’ estate agent apparently bidding for the title of the ‘oldest swinger in town’? The 40-something was spotted getting down and dirty with the kids at the Forum in TW during a gig by rock band Black Lights Burn (think Wes of Limp Bizkit). Rock on, sir. Rock on.

Why did this person raise an eyebrow when she went for breast cancer screening at one of those mobile units parked in hospital grounds? Because the lady on reception asked her to hang on a minute while she finished a row of knitting. She said she didn’t want to “drop a stitch”. She was probably knitting something for the hospital fete.

Who needs a lesson in wrapping gifts? That would be the doting son who used old Christmas paper the other day to wrap a birthday present for his mother. And when he couldn’t find any sticky tape he simply used a whole role of clingfilm. Mind you, it was hard to disguise the shape of what he’d bought for her – a shovel!

Why is Binky in a bit of a dilemma? Because her married beau (as we predicted) has been in touch again now his wife is pregnant and sick. Binky desperately wants to meet him but knows it’s not the right (decent!!) thing to do. What’s the betting she gives in?

Why is this head teacher trying to hide his blushes? Because an email went out in his name, during the bad weather, reminding parents to make sure their little darlings brought their ‘willies’ to school the next day.

Who caused a bit of a stir when he pulled the wrong chord in a shower at Pembury hospital? The youngish man went in for a very small op and when later lathering his body he thought he was turning on the extractor fan. It was the alarm chord and three nurses raced to his rescue. He’s telling his bride-to-be it was a genuine mistake. Yeah, right!

While on the subject of Pembury hospital, this column would like to apologise to the forgetful woman using the public loo on Hedgehog children’s ward a few weeks ago. She neglected to lock the door, much to the surprise of your columnist. Unfortunately the actual loo was six feet from the door and could not be reached by her outstretched hand. She should know, for her own peace of mind, that we did not really take a pic on our mobile…