December Confidential

December Confidential

Who hasn’t quite managed to capture the spirit of Christmas? Simples: That would be Lidl in Crowborough (and elsewhere) who are urging customers to eat Rudolph on the big day. Their marketing brochure tells people to ‘try something different’ and gobble up ‘diced reindeer’ from their ‘deluxe’ range. So kids, if Santa doesn’t manage to get round to your house this Christmas, you know who to blame for the shortage of pulling power! Great PR coup.

Who’s really upset traders on The Pantiles? That would be the chap who reported them to the council for putting out too many tables and chairs, meaning less space for people to stand and listen to live music. Town hall ‘police’ have been out with their tape measures. Watch this space, or lack of it!

Why should this youthful pub quiz team hang its head in shame? Because, after several winning weeks, they have been rumbled Googling answers on their mobiles. As payback, another set of regulars called themselves ‘The team in the corner is cheating’ which the landlord was forced to read out.

Who is heavily into recycling this month? That would be the frugal female who is repackaging and sending to friends unwanted gifts from other years. One previous recipient who took a jumper back to M&S to exchange was told it had not been available in the store for five years.

Why are we so happy for Binky? Because she’s bounced back from being dumped (quite rightly) by her married lover when he became a dad by his wife. Binky has found a new man and he’s single – so he says. Background checks are now underway!

Who got her wires slightly crossed? The woman who signed up over the phone for zumba classes, believing she would be learning a foreign language. You really couldn’t make it up – and we didn’t. (For those of similar thinking, they’re dance classes.)

Why is this hubby being extra careful with his Christmas gifts? Because last year he got a bit confused after a long liquid lunch with colleagues and handed his wife the present he’d bought for a rather special lady friend; it had come from Ann Summers. One surprised wife.

Who is hoping for a shortage of mistletoe? The office girls who work with an ‘older’ Romeo. Seems every December, much to their angst, he pesters them for a Yuletide kiss under his little twig and berries. Have you young ladies not heard of the PC patrol from HR? They’ll soon pour cold water on him.