Who’s a lucky bride then? She was all set to get married this month at this stunning local venue (which we are not going to name) when along came this international footballer. He wanted to visit the place on his return to the UK with his four kids. Not a problem. His people told the couple they’d cover the cost of the wedding if they moved the big day. Deal done. Similar tales have circulated before but this one rings true and the identity of the couple is known. She’s told friends the cash is now in the bank. Anyway, why on earth would you let the facts get in the way of a piece of good gossip!
Why does this funeral director think he’s died and gone to heaven? Because he’s achieved a lifelong ambition by getting the autographs of the Osmonds. When the singing brothers appeared at the Assembly Hall he found out they were staying overnight at the Spa Hotel and parked himself in the foyer. Happily a kindly soul took pity on him and introduced him to the Osmonds who happily signed on the dotted line. Job done!
Who got all hot and bothered after buying a bottle of plonk at Sainsbury’s? She rushed out of the store clutching her purchase and jumped into the front seat of her boyfriend’s car. One big problem though. It was the wrong car. Similar colour and make but different driver waiting there. Bet she needed a drink.
Why does this young lady need a lesson in using sat navs? Because she programmed one, by mistake, to take her from Tunbridge Wells to Essex without touching a motorway. Three hours after setting out, she found herself at London Bridge and gave up.
Who has her friends a bit worried? She was enjoying the high flying delights of Go Ape at Bedgebury, where you walk through the tree tops, and declared: “I feel very euthanasia.” She meant to say “euphoric”. Bless.
Where’s Binky? Something in her life is not right (apart from the fact her beau is married). She’s dropped out of sight. Watch this space.
Which fashionista is in danger of being placed on a black list? She’s a regular sight at trendy boutiques and shops around town. Problem is when she walks out it seems certain items disappear at the same time. What a coincidence!
Why are some people starting to fret? Because BBC South East weather girl Kaddy Lee-Preston has left the corporation and they’re worried she might now decide to write her memoires. Known for her saucy innuendos, low cut tops and playful puns Ms Lee-Preston’s book would certainly go down a storm. Or create one. Go on, we dare you!
Who’s just a wee bit of a snob? This woman was standing at the Lidl’s checkout in Crowborough when she answered her mobile and told the caller: “So sorry but I’m running late, right now I’m in the queue at Waitrose.” Wonder if she bought any pork pies?
Why are personal appearances by celebrities more expensive in Tunbridge Wells? Because of our ‘Royal’ prefix. This agent of a TV presenter was approached about her client opening the doors of a new shop. On hearing it was located in ‘Royal’ Tunbridge Wells the agent said that would add another £2,000 to the fee.
Why will selling the family silver shortly become much easier? Because a pawnbroker is about to hang up his sign (balls) in TW High Street. Be interesting to see who’s first in the queue.
Who’s a pretty boy? This cool dude was prancing down York Road when he decided to check himself out in a car wing mirror. He bends down, smiles at his own perfect image and then realises there are people inside the car behind the tinted windows.
Which rising local musician needs to mind his manners? He opened the show at the Grey Lady to the rapt attention of a polite audience then sat at a table with his friends and created a din when others took to the stage. He just doesn’t have enough talent to upset people.
Which fashion retailer opened in TW with much fanfare just a couple of months ago and has now apparently disappeared without trace? Who said things are getting easier.
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